Bedtime Opportunities , Part I

“You Talk…I’ll Listen…” (for ages 3-14, or even older)
Bedtime is a special time for kids. It’s an ideal time to have a quiet, relaxed, personal time with your child. One laid-back activity that provides an outlet for your child, and enables you to be in a position to be a supporter, is with an activity called “You talk…I’ll listen.” When you first begin this activity – you may not hear anything from your child. You may have to use some open-ended questions to get things started. You may have to do this for a few weeks before your child really begins to share things. You will have to prove to your child that you really mean it when you say you will listen. When your child starts talking – don’t judge, criticize, or evaluate. Just listen; take it as it is. A critical developmental skill for all humans is the ability and willingness to express feelings and ideas. This activity gives your child an opportunity to practice these skills in a safe, supportive environment.

Accept your child's friends

Accept your child’s friends – and treat them as a member of your family.
This may seem awkward or unnecessary – but the parents who have the best relationships with their children are often those who know their friends well, accept their child’s friends, and treat their child’s friends like a member of the family. When you do this, you create an emotionally healthy environment -- and your child’s friends will reinforce the idea that you are indeed an especially supportive and insightful parent. They will also be more likely to “look out” for your child.

Survey your child’s life space

What is a typical day for your child? Who does your child see and speak with on a daily basis? Who are his friends? Do you know them personally? Do you know their names? What adults have a relationship with your child? Are there any adults who your child is left alone with? Think about the kind of influence this adult may have on your child. Some adults are self-esteem builders, and some are self-esteem destroyers. How far from your home is your child allowed to go and explore? How many different places is your child familiar with? (The library, the local park, movie theatres, restaurants, bookstores, friend’s homes, etc.)

List things that your child knows about or has experienced

Think about all the places your son or daughter has been. Think about all of the experiences he has had. List these in a notebook that you keep about supporting your child. Which experiences did he seek out on his own? Which ones does he enjoy, even if someone else chose to involve him in the activity? What does he know a lot about? Do his grandparents speak a language other than the one your child speaks? Thinking about both interests and experiences – what do you think your child would like to become an expert in? (Even if it's something that doesn't appear to be mainstream or something you value. For example, he or she may be highly interested a popular set of cards that some children like to collect, or perhaps he is into video games, or skateboarding.) Are there any magazines or books that support this interest? Acknowledging your child's interests keeps the communication lines open for future conflict resolution and tells your child that you respect his or her individuality.

Accept what your child is interested in

Through observing and listening -- over time, learn as much as you can about your child's interests. Think about how can you support him or her in his desire to learn more about his interest – or how she can participate more in her interest? Would it help to visit libraries or bookstores? Or exhibitions? Or visits to places where they practice such activities? Do you know someone, or could you seek out someone who is engaged in the activities or subjects that are of interest to your child? Would they be willing to share how they engage in this interest? By learning about your child's interests and supporting her to pursue them, you are validating your child as a capable person and you are showing respect for what is important to her. This is superior to steering your child in a direction that is connected to your own interests.

What is your child is interested in?

How does your child like to spend his or her time? Does he like to be alone or with others? What does he like to talk about? If she has her own choice of activities – what would he or she choose to do after school? On weekends?

Learning About Your Child

We often think that because we live in the same house as our child we know them deeply. In this busy world, this is not always the case. Time has a way of getting away from us, and fatigue can be a challenge when it comes to interacting with your child. In this segment, you are guided to use mindfulness, observation, and communication to know your child more deeply.

Over the course of the next couple of weeks, look more deeply at who your child is – don’t look at what your child is missing, or how your child might improve. Don’t focus on perceived defects or weaknesses – there is plenty of time for that later, if we decide that going down that road can be helpful. Let’s look at who your child really is and let’s look for the potential that he or she possesses or exhibits at this time.